A Kinda Comprehensive List Of State Obamacare Exchange Screw-ups

You’re at the right spot, sparky.

ARKANSAS

Users had to wait for hours, and still got error messages. The Arkansas site was supposed to register people, but instead it’s linking to the main Obamacare website, which also has glitches. Some were redirected to Bill Clinton’s personal Facebook where they were asked many personal questions and bikini pictures.

CALIFORNIA

Originally state officials happily reported that 5 million people perused their website on Tuesday. On Wednesday, they actually counted, and revised that number to 645.000 hits. Yeah. That’s quite the error margin, California.

The website crashed over and over, and user experienced long wait times. State officials will have to add 150 employees to answer phone calls.

COLORADO

The website is online, but it cannot calculate subsidies for users, who have to talk to phone agents in order to secure their medicinal pot prescriptions. Many reported getting a severe case of the munchies, which is considered a pre-existing condition, even under Obamacare, unless you opt for the “choom gang” health option.

1,000 have signed up.

CONNECTICUT

167 lucky lucky people signed up on the first day – about half got an Obamacare subsidy, the rest were for Medicaid. Calm down, Connecticut, you’re burning up the internet!

FLORIDA

The website is down, ingesting bathsalts, and has devoured the faces of many users. State officials are suggesting they seek medical assistance, and come back later to sign up for mandatory health insurance.

Only 35 Obamacare navigators have been approved by the state to wear the special navigator glasses.

HAWAII

The healthcare exchange website is deader than Anthony Weiner’s political career, and isn’t anticipated to be ready until at least Friday. At least.

ILLINOIS

The land of Lincoln is spending $35 million to promote Obamacare, In exchange for this, many state officials went on vacation to the Bahamas, and citizens were left with a “largely non-working federal insurance exchange and call center.” The online chat function timed out after ten minutes, and users had to wait 30 minutes to talk to someone on the phone.

KENTUCKY

The website lagged, didn’t let people log in, and one user reported that after waiting for a long time, he was punted off to a page that give him information on Kentucky’s Electronic Death Registration System. No. Seriously. Hit the link, I’m not even joking.

1,235 were enrolled by Tuesday afternoon.

LOUISIANA

Mary Landrieu confirms that many tens of thousands of gators have enrolled in Obamacare, but unfortunately, not one Louisianan has been able to sign up. Not. Even. One.

MARYLAND

State exchange website crashed, users were asked to check back later while technicians gently and lovingly caressed their servers back to life.

MISSOURI

Users were cheerfully greeted with an obstinate website and hours, literally, hours, not figuratively, but literally, hours of waiting to sign in.

NEVADA

Harry Reid will be happy to know that no more cancer-ridden kids were able to sign up for healthcare because the website was completely shut down by the second day.

OREGON

Cover Oregon spent $78.8 million over the last two years in order to tell Oregonians to come back later because their website portal isn’t ready yet. Perhaps they should have spent $78.9 million.

The website for small business registration is even worse – it won’t be ready until November. Maybe. Probably. Don’t hold your small breath, small businesses.

PENNSYLVANIA

Eagles and Steelers fans were thoroughly confused (more than usual) by a website that was inundated and displaying an error message until 1 PM on Tuesday.

TEXAS

After yelling, “remember the alamo” multiple times at their monitor, Texans were still unable to login to their exchange website. They’re being told by state officials to just give up and come back later.

WASHINGTON STATE

Thanks for your patience, but go away, we don’t know what we’re doing, and frankly, we’re kinda angry that you would dare visit and have such ridiculous demands of us. Do we need to make a call to the IRS? Because we will.

WISCONSIN

A $1,000,000 grant was used to train 500 Obamacare navigators in a 16 hour training session, which comes out to $125 an hour. And they weren’t ready for the roll-out on Monday.

WEST VIRGINIA

One enthusiastic Obama-supporter tried for ten hours to enroll on the first day, including two 45 minute phone calls, with no success.

He called the next morning, waited for 45 minutes to speak to someone, and was promptly disconnected.

NON-WEST VIRGINIA

At “enrollfest” many tried and tried to sign up but were denied. Everyone else was swallowed up by the hole in the Earth created when the government shutdown and 90% of the income in Virginia disappeared.

~ ~ ~

Phew! That’s impressive!

We’ve spent many millions of dollars on this debacle, and as far as I can tell, 2,402 have been signed up according to the state reports. Now stop laughing and cut Obama some slack you racist.

After all, healthcare is hard, and hope is easy.